This Moment

My high school yearbook photo and quote.  From back when Hammer pants were a thing. #2legit2quit

7.17.17

I’ve been feeling anxious tonight. I think It’s because I’m trying to fit this cancer into my life rather than working my life around this cancer. This isn’t an inconveniently timed head cold that I just need to power through. This is a major life experience, one that I’ve so far felt best about when I’m “being” with it fully, present, alive, each moment in time. There are many lessons available to me and when I show up to retrieve them I feel a deep sense of peace and beauty about this whole experience and it’s place in my life.

Today I felt resistant.  I felt tired of being conscious and present and go-with-the-flowy.  I want to be where I want to be and I want to do what I want to do, cancer be damned.

I brought the kids to the Cub Scout camp bus for 7:30am, which is a full hour earlier than they catch the school bus.  Dropoff is in the Shaw’s parking lot so I popped in after the bus came and grabbed a few essentials.  Walking down the bakery aisle, I found myself drawn to the Hostess Snoballs, like so many times before.  Despite being a 25 year vegetarian (they contain lard), I crave this crazy combination of cake, cream, and bionic coconut marshmallow “matter” a few times a year.  My favorite is when they’re green for St. Patrick’s Day (I’m 50% Irish and March 17 is my half birthday, it all just makes so much sense to me).  The luck o’ the Irish was with me this morning, as the ides of July Snoballs were ACTUALLY GREEN.  Hell, if 2+ straight years of greens (juiced and sautéed and blended, oh my!) for brekkie didn’t prevent cancer, I don’t expect today of the green Snoballs will make too much difference either. 🍀

Our New England summer is in full swing, and in years past that means we operate in “OMG we need to do ALL the fun things in just 2 1/2 months” mode, where almost every weekend is booked before Memorial Day arrives.  It’s exhausting. Today I’ve been thinking about the weeks ahead and contemplating plans that don’t support me while I heal from cancer.  And my shoulders become tense and my breath becomes short and I just can’t see how to make this all work and still honor what my body so clearly needs right now.

So I don’t. I take it back to one day at a time, one moment at a time. “This moment is all that we have, for in this moment is all of life.”

About Natural Mama Notes

4.4.2020 I started this blog in September 2014. It was a 38th birthday gift to myself, a fulfillment of a long-held wish to share my perspective on the world. After a breast cancer diagnosis in June 2017, I used my blog to share details of the alternate reality I was experiencing. In September 2017 I used this space to share the trauma and healing of my son, who was diagnosed with PANDAS in May of that year. PANDAS is when a strep infection triggers neuropsychiatric disorders. I completed cancer treatment in December 2018, and haven’t written much since. I felt the need to withdraw as part of my healing process. I deactivated my Facebook account, barely viewed other social media. I’m still hesitant about stepping back out there, but I’m feeling the pull. We’re in a global crisis, and the news is dire. If I can add some levity or a more positive perspective with my writing, that is my hope right now. May you find the gems amongst the rubble.
This entry was posted in cancer, Energy, Healing, Health, magic, Motherhood, Opening, Summer, Time and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to This Moment

  1. judygayle4u says:

    Absolutely love this blog and the message. You’re right, we only have now and the white on your picture is very true. It’s not easy, it’s a learned skill but you can so it. You are not Danielle of last year, you have a matter to take care of so something has to give and that’s ok because next year you’ll be back to that Danielle. Until then, each day you’re in your right mind is a blessing. The worst is still to come so step back and live without a plan, not depriving yourself of anything. YOLO. Xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I love your blog. Live in the moment…and let you body heal. MIND, body, and soul. I hope you enjoyed your green mound of lard. 😂 YOLO

    Liked by 1 person

  3. STephanie says:

    Danielle….it is time for you to take what you need and leave the rest. Your words are so powerful. Please take the time YOU need to heal. This is just one summer….make this one for you. Next summer will be different. Love ya!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Darlene Chadbourne says:

    Try Carnivora, It worked for President Regan.
    Don’t buy into the fear factory.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Darlene! There are lots of supplements I can’t take because they interfere with chemo, but thank you for the tip. Not sure if you read my previous post, “Trust”–I’m onto this fear culture we live in and forging my own path ahead. 💪🏼💛

      Like

  5. Lynda says:

    You are such a poignant writer! Thinking of you on this journey! If anyone can do this…YOU CAN!

    Liked by 1 person

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